If you really want things to change...
Ask someone who's single why they're still single and they may say "I'm waiting for the right person." Ask someone who's in a bad relationship and they may tell you "I'm with the wrong person." And ask someone why they hate their job, they may well tell you that its "because of some person." Perfectly logical, and I'm sure they're quite right. And that's what this newsletter is all about. Who is that person? Most of us have things in our lives that we would like to change. But because we seek the change in others, our lack of introspection paralyses us, stripping us of the power to influence change. Our need to be right further disempowers us, causing us to defend our position, even as evidence mounts that our efforts to change others will only be rewarded with their cooperation. [a good time to reflect for a few seconds, then read on...]
Human nature is such that we develop patterns of behaviour that guide our daily actions in a predictable way. These patterns are better known as habits. Sometimes these habits are deliberately entrenched, but more often they are acquired haphazardly without much thought to their long term effects. Once acquired, habits seem generally hard things to break, especially the bad ones. A bad habit can broadly be described as one that does not serve you positively. And boy are we good at defending them...!
It has oft been said that if you keep doing what you're doing you'll keep getting what you're getting. Yet humans are so often guilty of complaining about the same things year in and year out, whilst trying the same repetitive ineffective remedies, finally becoming bitter and depressed when things actually get worse. This process of self delusion is debilitating and results in one of the great killers of people, loss of hope.
Yet in reality change is a relatively simple matter. But change is seldom an issue of capability, it's usually a question of motivation. And unless a person's broeks* are on fire, their motivation to change is questionable. So if you want things to change here is the first certainty: You cannot rely on others to initiate change until they can see real benefits. This means that if you want things to change, you're going to have to change first.
It's not about finding the right partner, it's about becoming the right partner. It's not about waiting for a break, its about making a break. And if what you're doing hasn't worked for a long time, a radically different approach may be worth considering - minor adjustments, unfortunately, have very little effect.
Now lets see what happens. You change. Things start happening differently. Other people notice this. And because you have changed they can now do one of two things. They can stay the same, or they can change. If they change, good and well. If they don't, you may have to set their broeks alight! Whether or not they change is secondary, because when you change, things inevitably change for you. When you set a successful example for change, others will follow.
Here are 6 key beliefs necessary to facilitate lasting change in your life:
- I must change
- Change must happen now
- I'm responsible for the change
- I can change
- It's never to late for change
- I'm committed to change
Remember, change is seldom an issue of capability, it's usually a question of motivation. If you want change to happen, make it your sole responsibility. My challenge to you this month is this: Identify the thing about yourself that you wish to change most - and do something proactive about it. (Your spouse's attitude does not qualify, I'm afraid!). And here's the one thing. If you link a high value to the thing or habit you want to change, the change will be sustained.
Paul du Toit
[Change is one of the key areas of the "Winning Attitude" seminar]
* some people think this is Afrikaans for trousers
PS. A well-supported Australian rugby team discovered a few seasons ago that they would not only score more tries, but also incur less injuries if they run in between two opposing players rather than straight into them. This change in strategy was instrumental in their move from bottom of the Super 12 log one season to finalists the next with virtually no injuries to their back line. Some of their opponents have not yet cottoned on to this revolutionary tactic!
