How our expectations lead us a dance
They meet at a social gathering, both single, both ready for a relationship. She feels sure he'll phone the next day. He does. Too long to wait until the weekend, so they agree to meet the next evening. By the weekend they're an "item". He's excited, she's ecstatic. Every day he phones her at her office between 12 and 1. She looks forward to his daily calls with keen anticipation. He's like clockwork, never misses. Then one day he doesn't call before lunch. By 2 pm she's frantic. Was it something I did or said, she wonders? Has he found someone else? 3 o'clock nothing. Should she phone him? Now she can't focus on anything, she's in a complete state! By 3.50 she can't take it anymore picks up the phone and dials his number. Voicemail. Oh my hat, he's avoiding me! They're due to go out to a movie tonight, but...the phone rings, is it him? She answers..
"Hello Sweetheart, had a good day?"
"Why didn't you phone lunchtime like you always do?"
"I was in that meeting I told you about, went on a bit longer than expected, in fact we just got out now. Do you want to know what happened?"
(raised voice) "I've been worried sick!" etc etc etc
What has happened here? His previous excitement about the relationship has lead him to start something that he may be unable to keep up. This leads to an expectation in her. When he misses his cue, she becomes anxious and starts imagining all kinds of things based on nothing but her own insecurities.
You could easily swap the him and her around. Point is, this is not the only way we allow expectations to mislead us.
Due to upbringing and established habits we not only see the world through our own eyes, but we develop differing combinations of neural pathways. Our own map is unique. Some people like their main meal at lunchtime, others in the evening. Some folk like tidiness and order, others function very well in chaos. When we link up with others in any manner of venture, we're always linking up with someone who views the world in some ways the same, but mostly differently from us - no matter how much the common areas seemed to prevail initially. When the outcomes differ from our expectations of the "association", and this often happens only later on when the honeymoon is over, problems often ensue. The problem has far less to do with the actions or lack of actions of the other person as it has to do with their behaviours not meeting our expectations. They're going to revert to their natural patterns anyway, and chances are their natural patterns will not coincide with our expectations.
So what's to do? By understanding that we all have our own unique way of viewing the world, we can adjust our expectations and factor in the possibility of alternative possible outcomes or even the unexpected. When we deal with customers, for instance, it is vital to create realistic expectations in the mind of the customer, and then set about meeting or exceeding those expectations. When you've created a "top of the hill" expectation you've increased the pressure on yourself to deliver according to your claim, and the only alternative is disappointment. On analysis, the misaligned expectation causes far more upset than the action which failed to fulfil it.
It is important not to confuse an expectation with a goal. Goals relate to your own focus. You can create an expectation of a goal being attained through confidence in your ability, development of a strategy and evidence of progress. And through self belief and perseverance you enhance your chances of achievement. But expectation in a true sense is when we expect others to perform in a certain manner, either eventually or consistently. In both cases, we're setting ourselves up for disappointment.
It is best to use expectation as a tool rather than allowing expectation to use you. If you're playing sport, set the goal, expect to achieve it and have a game plan or strategy to get you there. When relying on others who are part of your team, when there is agreement about the goal, you can expect them to be focused on it as you are. This way, your expectation has the potential to fuel an improved result rather than setting you up for an inevitable disappointment.
Life was meant to be tough, as it is for every animal in the wild. But it was also meant to be enjoyable. It is to the extent that we've experienced difficulty that we can also appreciate the good times. It's all about perspective. Too often we lose track of what's really important in life. The next time you're in a mad rush, ask yourself what's the worst that can happen if you fail to meet that other person's expectation (or more pertinently, your own!). Then relax, slow down, get your heart rate down, and think about that glass of red wine you're going to be sipping later this evening or the bedtime story you'll be reading your three year old at bedtime. Real important stuff!
The pressure we create for others translates in to pressure we're creating for ourselves. What we fret about today, we're not even thinking about tomorrow. Let's stop tying ourselves in knots, and make the most of the innings we've been given. By doing this, we not only learn to live with ourselves, but we make it just that much easier for everyone else whose lives we touch. And let's set expectations consciously. That way, with our in-built ability to imagine great things, our expectations will serve us as they should do
Paul du Toit (April 2006)
