The Self-Fulfilling Prophesy

Many years ago during my high school years I personally witnessed my headmaster taking one of the young cricketers aside and telling him, within my earshot, that he fully expected the youngster to break into the school's "A" side by the next term. As if by magic, the youngster's batting and bowling improved at such a rate that before long his performance at practice was better than some established "A" side members. By the following term he'd made the "A" side, where he remained for the rest of the year. Fuelled by the belief of someone he looked up to, the lad had achieved precisely what was expected of him.

Not long ago a father came to the conclusion that his 12 year old daughter was simply an "untidy person", and told her so. He assumed that because she had proven herself consistently unable to conform to the standards of tidiness set down by her parents, he assumed the obvious - she's just untidy, not interested, has better things to do etc. etc. He could not understand why she didn't just make the effort to keep her room tidy and help avoid the inevitable daily conflict.

Then something occurred to him. No one had actually shown her how to tidy her room. For years the housekeeper had tidied up after her. All she ever knew was that garments, shoes & towels discarded on the floor would miraculously end up back in her closet neatly folded, often washed and ironed too. No wonder the child had no concept of why it was necessary to tidy up after herself!

So one day, instead of confining her to her room until it was tidy, Dad spent some time showing her exactly what was expected. He showed her how to fold her clothes. She learned that by being tidy, she created more space to pack her things. She re-discovered things that had been missing for months including six pairs of school socks. She was able to discard items that were too small for her, or no longer needed.

Now she'd keep the room tidy. No such luck. Within 4 days it was back in a frightful mess. "Sorry Dad, guess I'm just an untidy person." she shrugged cheerfully. It seems that Dad had made a start and laid a foundation, but the job was by no means finished.

A week or so later, the father was chatting to an experienced counsellor friend and the subject of his daughter's untidiness came up. The conversation ensued until the counsellor asked:

"Have you actually told her that she is an untidy person?"
"Yes, using those very words." he replied.
"Well then, she's simply living up to your expectation of her, isn't she?"

It hit him like a bolt between the eyes. The father had provided just the excuse the child needed, and she was living up to her label. A human who commits a crime is awarded the label "criminal". It doesn't take long for that person to adjust to his/her new station in life. Just so, the girl had settled comfortably into being the untidy person that she was now labelled. Every time she tidied up her room, the label no longer fitted, so she had "permission" to allow the room to return to its default state - untidy. Why, well she's just an untidy person, after all!

Next day, the father walked into his daughter's room. The room itself was in quite a mess, but her clothes cupboard was still quite tidy. He commented:

"I can see you're really making an effort with your clothes cupboard. Well done!" Ignoring the state of the rest of the room, he walked out.

Next day in the car on the way back from school he said to her. "I have an apology to make to you. A few months ago I called you an untidy person. That was very wrong of me. What I am seeing now is that you are really a very tidy person who was occasionally having an "off day." I have also noticed how you are seeing the sense in keeping your cupboards tidy.

She still has the occasional off day, but by and large she's now a tidy person, in no small part because the guy she looks up to and loves, thinks she is. And now, she thinks so too.

Paul du Toit (September 2004)